Tuesday, December 20, 2016

All I Want

It's almost impossible to describe the pain of knowing exactly what you want in life, and being nowhere close to attaining it. From a young age I knew it was my life's calling to be a wife and mother. I have watched countless friends get married and start families and though I am happy for them, my longing for what they have sometimes becomes unbearable. 

Falling in love is something I have always dreamed of. The more I am violated, disrespected and thrown aside by men, the more I begin to wonder if there is something wrong with me. Am I not lovable? Maybe I'm not pretty enough. Or funny enough. Or skinny enough. Or good enough. Am I not meant to find love in this life? Is an eternal marriage not in the cards for me? Does Heavenly Father really care about me and have a plan? If so, how can He let these young men treat me this way? I will be honest, it is so hard to stay faithful and obedient sometimes when the hurt keeps piling on. How do you stay true to that ray of hope inside you? How do you remember to not settle for anything less than you really deserve?

I get very emotional when I think about my babies. They are very real to me. I believe we were all organized into family units before we came to Earth and that in the pre-existence I promised those sweet spirits that I would give them everything I could to ensure they were happy, cared for and loved beyond belief. Those babies are my life, my existence, my purpose for being. To get older and nowhere closer to holding them in my arms aches more than I can say. Sometimes I feel the dream of raising them slipping away from me painfully and slowly. 

This time of year is always particularly difficult. I don't think I've actually been excited for Christmas since I was young. I often feel like I'm in limbo... caught between two families, and that can feel very lonely and disenchanting. It's hard for me to get into the Spirit of Christmas and stay optimistic. I don't like feeling this way... I don't like feeling like there is no hope. People keep telling me to stay true, keep doing what I'm doing and that the right man will find me. But how do they really know what's in store? How do I explain the pain I face every day wondering if it's just not going to happen for me? How do I let go and build a life without the pieces I've always dreamed of?

Joy comes after sorrow.


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