Thursday, March 16, 2017

On the Edge

I feel like I'm on the edge of something (a phrase we use at Girl Scouts) really incredible and important in my life right now. I've discovered more about who I am and how God feels about me in the last two months than ever before. As I reflect, I think it's due to some very key events that happened since early December:
  • Feeling depressed after surgery; confused about my spirituality and gaining more perspective/strengthening testimony
  • Let's Get Real event with mom
  • Seeing the movie "the Shack"
  • Reading the book "The Gifts of Imperfection"
  • Phone conversations with Bonnie
  • Reading the Book of Mormon with a study guide
  • Daily affirmations and selfies with Abby 
  • Consistently staying for all three hours of church
  • Starting to slowly get back to the gym and eat healthier 
  • Real, personal prayer
My prayers have really changed, as has my faith and perspective on who God is. I've started asking Him to let me know how He feels about me and how I can better "show up" in my life. I ask to see His hand in all I do and to feel joy through trials and sorrow. I'm starting to wake up happy and enjoy my days. I'm also enjoying work so much I can't believe it. It's incredible to have that in the workplace and to feel seen and loved.

All of the events above are shaping me into something greater and opening up my eyes to who I am and my purpose here on Earth. I think I'm moving towards starting to love myself, little by little. I know this is something I need to work on before I meet "the man," and I'm grateful for this opportunity to learn and grow. I used to be so angry and bitter with God for making me wait for my dreams to come true but I now see He is saving me for something special and using this time to mold me into an incredible woman. I know it's an uphill battle and there's probably a lifetime of learning ahead. I know there will be good days and bad days. But this I know as well: I was brought to this earth for a very particular reason and I am a daughter of a King. I am divine. I am loved. I may even be beautiful. ;)


Friday, March 3, 2017

I'll be Happy One Day...

The past few months or so have just been... off. I feel like I've consistently been in this state of: "I'll be happier when I lose 20 pounds" or "I'll just be happy one day when I'm married and have my babies." And so I've been sitting at home, hiding from the world (because when you hide you can't get hurt), waiting for a miracle to happen in my life (AKA Prince Charming will suddenly waltz through my door and I'll miraculously be skinny). But you know what the thing is? God is a miracle worker, but he can't give you a miracle if you don't show up. For the past few months I haven't been showing up for my life. I go to church but I either leave early or sneak out right after the three-hour block. I don't go to church activities anymore or do a good job of fulfilling my calling. I keep telling myself "NEXT Monday I'll go to the gym." Part of it is I'm scared to run into anyone looking how I look. And today I realized the real reason is something deeper. I don't show up because I'm TERRIFIED of meeting the right man or being healthy/fit. I'm terrified because I don't feel like I deserve either of those things.

I know it's crazy. I can look at a room full of women and see their beauty, their potential, their strengths and weaknesses and I draw from their stories. But I look in the mirror and I see nothing of value. It's hard for me to admit that, but it's been that way for a long time now. It's tough to break cycles of abuse (especially when you are the one abusing yourself emotionally). 

Another big piece missing of my life equation is feeling joy and contentment NOW, just the way I look, just the way I am. My "wants" are a fit body and a man who loves me. But my "joy" right now is my family, my nephew, long walks outside, reading good books, snuggling with Ellie, watching good movies, serving others. I can feel joy right now and not wait for anything else to change or happen in my life to feel those moments. 

People always say "fake it till you make it." I don't like that. I plan on using "faith it till you make it." It's going to be so hard... really hard... but I need to start showing up for life. I can't sit in my apartment and wait for miracles to happen without putting in the work myself. I deserve to be happy, make connections and serve others with my light. I'm going to start showing up for activities where I don't know anyone. I'm going to pray for an opportunity to talk to someone sad or lonely. I'm going to go to the gym and start slow because every effort is a good effort. I'm going to jog on that damn treadmill until my knees hurt knowing I'm taking care of God's greatest gift to me and the feelings of health and confidence will come naturally, as will the man who I'm meant to be with. God NEEDS me, just like He needs you. So let's start showing up.

P.S. All of these "ah-ha" moments were brought to me via regular therapy. I go 2 - 3 times a month. I go to heal. I go to grow. I'm proud of myself for consistently showing up there. #bereal #beyou 

motivational quotes:


Monday, January 9, 2017

I Found Joy

I found joy in my big comfy chair reading chair. 

I found joy in the Book of Mormon verse I read.

I found joy in the scented candle I lit.

I found joy in the twinkle lights I turned out.

I found joy in Ellie's soft fur against my leg.

I found joy in the Mermaid tail blanket that kept my feet warm.

I found joy writing in my journal.

I found joy reading past journal entries and seeing how far I've come.

I found joy fasting with a purpose.

I found joy taking the sacrament and renewing my covenants with my Heavenly Father.

I found joy in my bright pink lipstick.

I found joy in reflection in the mirror.

I found joy in my nightly prayer.

I found joy in Elder and Sister Nelson's talks.

I found joy in an episode of Sherlock I watched.

I found joy in Meryl Streep's words.

I found joy in my newly organized room.

I found joy in my soft sheets.

I found joy in my warm bubble bath.

I found joy in my new Star Wars calendar.

I found joy in the work I do.

I found joy thinking of my family.

- Beautiful floral "Always choose to be filled with JOY" inspirational quote - Available in either 5x7in or 8x10in print sizes - Printed on professional quality matte photo paper through professional:


Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Goals for 2017

In 2016 my word was "brave" and this year is "joy." To me this means finding joy in every day, regardless of circumstance. 

Every year I always think "maybe this is the year I'll meet someone!" but this year I'm actually doing the opposite and thinking I won't. And that's fine. And maybe a bit pessimistic but I'm done worrying about it. I'm really even done trying to date. I'm going to work on me, do what I need to do and give it to God. 

I also made a few goals this year, some of them are pretty ambitious:

(1)Get comfortable with my body. Listen to it's needs. Eat healthy foods when I'm hungry. Exercise. Focus on how I feel rather than a number and learn to love this gift from God.
(2)Finish my book.
(3)Go to the temple often.
(4)Pay off my car and build my savings account.

LDS general conference quote (printable):

Sunday, January 1, 2017

2016 in Review

Everyone keeps saying that 2016 was their worst year ever, but honestly, it was a fantastic year for me. In many ways 2015 was much harder. 2016's word was "brave" and boy did I need it. Here are some of the highlights from the past year!

- Started the new year with my word, "brave"

- Accepted a job with the Girl Scouts and said goodbye to Make-A-Wish
- Was a bridesmaid in my cousin Candace's wedding

- Went to San Diego with the whole family (did Sea World and the San Diego zoo)

- Got promoted at work

- Went to NYC with mom
- Moved into my OWN APARTMENT and a new ward

- Went to Hollywood with mom and saw the Little Mermaid at the Hollywood Bowl as well as Universal Studios Hollywood 

- Celebrated Fourth of July with cousins

- Visited my friend Kathleen in Texas and my friend Kelly surprised us there!
- Celebrated Jonah's first birthday 
- Turned 28

- Started LuLaRoe 
- Attended a Women's Conference that really changed me

- Had a low-key Halloween with family

- Cried myself to sleep for like three weeks over the stupid election (dark part of the year)
- Decided to quit LuLaRoe
- Celebrated one year of being endowed

- Celebrated Christmas with family
- Saw about 812827 movies in theatres with mom 

I also:
- reconnected with old friends
- let go of some people who weren't serving me well
- strengthened my faith
- tried new things
- saw a lot of plays/shows 

So you can see, it was honestly a great year! I have a lot in store for 2017 already, including a few trips planned and some great goals in place.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

All I Want

It's almost impossible to describe the pain of knowing exactly what you want in life, and being nowhere close to attaining it. From a young age I knew it was my life's calling to be a wife and mother. I have watched countless friends get married and start families and though I am happy for them, my longing for what they have sometimes becomes unbearable. 

Falling in love is something I have always dreamed of. The more I am violated, disrespected and thrown aside by men, the more I begin to wonder if there is something wrong with me. Am I not lovable? Maybe I'm not pretty enough. Or funny enough. Or skinny enough. Or good enough. Am I not meant to find love in this life? Is an eternal marriage not in the cards for me? Does Heavenly Father really care about me and have a plan? If so, how can He let these young men treat me this way? I will be honest, it is so hard to stay faithful and obedient sometimes when the hurt keeps piling on. How do you stay true to that ray of hope inside you? How do you remember to not settle for anything less than you really deserve?

I get very emotional when I think about my babies. They are very real to me. I believe we were all organized into family units before we came to Earth and that in the pre-existence I promised those sweet spirits that I would give them everything I could to ensure they were happy, cared for and loved beyond belief. Those babies are my life, my existence, my purpose for being. To get older and nowhere closer to holding them in my arms aches more than I can say. Sometimes I feel the dream of raising them slipping away from me painfully and slowly. 

This time of year is always particularly difficult. I don't think I've actually been excited for Christmas since I was young. I often feel like I'm in limbo... caught between two families, and that can feel very lonely and disenchanting. It's hard for me to get into the Spirit of Christmas and stay optimistic. I don't like feeling this way... I don't like feeling like there is no hope. People keep telling me to stay true, keep doing what I'm doing and that the right man will find me. But how do they really know what's in store? How do I explain the pain I face every day wondering if it's just not going to happen for me? How do I let go and build a life without the pieces I've always dreamed of?

Joy comes after sorrow.


Wednesday, November 16, 2016

On Love

I have been thinking a lot about love. You know the famous quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower that states: "we accept the love we think we deserve"? Lately I have found myself doing just that... but settling for much less than I deserve. I spend time in the company of men I know don't value me or lift me up. Sometimes I agonize over whether or not they will even text me back, let alone call me, ask me out on a date and actually court me. A few weeks ago I went to my Bishop and shared my frustrations with dating and the lack of respect young men seem to have for me and other women. I began to share with him that I knew as a little girl that I would be married "later" in life and that this all feels very intentional to me. I'm not sure if it's because I have lots of lessons to learn as a single woman, or if I'm just waiting for a particular person; or maybe a combination of both... but it seems like Heavenly Father is saving me for something extraordinary, something greater than I can even imagine. As my Bishop laid his hands on my head and offered a blessing of comfort, these feelings were validated and I knew them to be true.

If I do truly believe this to be true, then I need to stop settling. I need to stop letting men hurt my feelings or make excuses for their behavior. It's a habit I need to stop. It's time to raise the bar, set a higher standard for myself and truly accept love I KNOW I deserve. I am a divine daughter of a King and I believe the right man will chase me, love my fiercely, and dedicate himself heart and soul to me.

If I'm being honest... I've always believed in my fairy tale, that I would find him. Sometimes my hope dangles by a thread, but it still lives and breathes deep within me. Love, I believe I will find you.