First Comes Sorrow, Then Joy

I have been doing a lot of reflection lately. The past year of my life has been pretty no good, awful, disappointing and altogether HARD. It started with a bad choice I made that led to sadness, depression, regret and then a whole lot of repentance. Everything seemed to spiral. I stopped taking care of myself by eating horribly and avoiding the gym. I have not been as active in church as I should have been. I didn't like my ward so I started missing a Sunday here or there, or staying for just one hour. Extracurricular activities were out of the question for me and I pushed all of my friends away. Relationships with my family suffered. I faced more rejection than I ever thought possible and have felt the lowest of my lows this past year. Depression and anxiety crept up on me like faceless monsters. I couldn't shake them no matter how hard I tried and life became overwhelming. There were nights I cried myself to sleep, wondering if life was even worth living. 

And then, I made another choice. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I made an appointment with a therapist. I started talking to my Bishop. I went through treatment. I cried a lot. I read the Book of Mormon and then the Doctrine and Covenants with a friend. Addictions were overcome. I started reading conference talks and the Ensign every day. I found myself in the bathroom in the middle of the work day, praying to my Heavenly Father, thanking Him for my blessings. I started to choose my relationship with God over everything. I WANTED to listen to talks and good music and feel the Spirit. I worked and sweat and cried. My happy days were still interspersed with sorrow. 

I can't tell you that life is perfect now. Just last week I was rejected yet again. Today I cried because I am still very sad about where I am. I think the difference now is that I not only have the tools to cope with the sorrow, but that I now see it as part of His greater plan for me. In order to experience great joy, we must first feel sadness. 

I have never felt greater faith in Heavenly Father, His love for me and His plan for me than I do in this very season of my life. I thank Him for saving me from what I thought I wanted because He had a greater plan. I will continue to trust in Him with all of my might, mind and strength. Next month I will go through His house and make sacred covenants with Him, and this doesn't scare me at all. I feel ready. I feel blessed. I welcome the hard times, because they mean the good ones are on the way. One day I will be sealed in the temple to my eternal companion, a person I have waited for and fought to meet my entire life. Sweet spirits will enter my home and I will be privileged enough to care for them physically and spiritually. The best is truly yet to come.