Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Life is Hard - But Beautiful

"April 5, 1994

You've been pretty stressed about school - life seems kind of hard for you sometimes. You want to be perfect at everything you try!"

My mom wrote that in my journal (she kept one for me throughout my life - how perfect is that?!) when I was five years old and in Kindergarten. I still remember being that age and agonizing over friendships, homework and whether or not I would receive a "coupon" for good behavior for the day. P.S. I lost my coupon ONCE that year and it plagued me until my Kindergarten teacher gave me a coupon on the day of my High School graduation. She said I earned it back. 

If only my mom knew then that this behavior had been formed already and would stick with me throughout my life!

It's true that I make life harder than it needs to be. I'm so full of emotion - light, love, energy, hyper-sensitivity and feeling. I don't necessarily think all of these are bad things, but they're not always conducive to healthy habits and growth. I am learning to settle down, peacefully approach life as it comes to me and find happiness in every day. 

I am learning not to stress about my hair, makeup and clothes every day. In fact, sometimes I'm a hot mess and I'm starting to find it really funny. I am learning not to over-analyze something a coworker may say to me on a whim, because they are human and probably didn't mean anything by it anyways. I am learning that if I don't cross everything off my "daily checklist" I will be okay and that there are more important things. I am learning to pray more, read more and work on the important relationships in my life. Mostly, I am learning to let go and give my life to God. This doesn't mean I can just stop working - there is SO much work to be done - but it does mean I have to give up some control - something I cling desperately to. 

So here's to that five-year-old girl somewhere inside of me. Let's let go, little girl. Let's be the best version of ourselves possible. And let's keep that sensitivity in our heart and put it to good use.


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