Monday, June 22, 2015

Testing Anchors

Yesterday I had an emotional breakdown. It was Sunday morning before church and I put on my new Amelia dress I had just ordered. My undies were showing through so I put on a slip and still it was see-through. The dress fit me a little bit differently than the other dresses and I saw my fat more clearly. Fat rolls. Ew. My mom walked in the room and tears started streaming down my face. I think I reached my breaking point. 

I felt overwhelmed:
- weight gain
- feeling in a fog
- not getting sleep
- anxiety
- depression
- therapy (helping, but still hard)
- feeling alone
- comparing myself to others
- turning 27
- feeling like God had forsaken me 
- feeling sad/lonely at church... it feels different lately (I know it's me)

So I laid on my mom's bed and bawled (feeling very selfish) and pouring out all these things to her. She asked about my medication. About six or seven months ago I changed from an anti-depressant to something that would help with my anxiety more. It was like a light bulb went off for mom. She said she has noticed a HUGE difference in me since I started taking new meds. 

So today I go back to the doctor to get back on an anti-depressant or supplement my existing medication. I really hope it helps because now that I think about it I notice a huge change too. Mom said it's a good goal to not be on any medication but it's just not realistic for me right now. Maybe I will even have to be on it my whole life? Who knows. 

It feels really selfish to focus on ME right now but it's what I have to do. Focus on getting on the right meds. Focus on therapy and EMDR (starting today!). Focus on exercising and eating right and feeling good about me. Seeing the beauty. Focus on getting to the temple for my endowments. Focus on my relationship with Heavenly Father. Focus on NOT COMPARING MYSELF to others. 

Then maybe I can think about dating? I don't know yet. I feel so completely overwhelmed that sometimes it seems like the last thing from my mind. I'm just not ready. I want to be a better woman before I meet him. 

Things I am trying to learn:
- It's okay to be 27 and not married and have no babies and be not even close to that dream yet even though I swear everyone I know is getting married
- EVERYONE on this planet has their own issues, I am just dealing with mine right now and they feel heavy 
- I am not alone and God loves me always
- Everything will make sense one day... 

whether your anchors are people, places, ideas, or truths. take them out and weigh them every once in awhile. you'll be surprised to find that you are always growing and shifting and changing. be true to who you are becoming.


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