In driving down the road of life, there are often times when the pavement ends suddenly and without explanation. Ahead will be a dirt road full of bumps, boulders and off-roading. Not being a great off-roader, I often screech to a halt at the end of the pavement. Instead of facing the rocks, I turn to the left, where I find a side trail. While distracting, the trail leads me back to exactly where I've started. I notice down that trail I collected bugs and dirt along the way. So I turn to the right and find a dead end. I am forced to turn around.
As humans, we avoid pain. This week I learned that in order to grow, I must face the rocky, unpaved roads of life. I have been running from pain for years and years.
So, this week has been tough because I allowed myself to face my past. If you saw my last blog post, you know what I'm dealing with. For a year I haven't allowed myself to truly face what happened with that experience. I haven't allowed my heart to break into a million pieces. I want to pick those pieces up off the ground, glue them clumsily back together and feel stronger for doing so.
I can't stop thinking about him. Every time his name or face pops into my mind, I force myself to live through the pain, process what I'm feeling and what made me think of him. It's indescribably difficult. It's not only the "what if" bouncing around in my mind, but sorrow for what happened with us. Memories are blurry, but the feelings are real. I thought he was everything I ever wanted or needed and I often wonder if he thinks about me too.
I'm in the middle of a rocky road, and for that I am proud. SO proud. I am a warrior.