My Gremlin

I am probably going to be talking about therapy each week on my blog. I won't share the super personal, close to my heart parts, but I think it's important for me to find a place where I can share some of what I learn and maybe help someone out there who reads this. 

This week we talked about my Gremlin. First of all, I suggest everyone start reading the book "Taming Your Gremlin." I am! My therapist challenged me to read it REAL slow. Take it a chapter at a time... read the first chapter three times before you move onto the second and take notes. Well I took her advice and I'm on my second read through of chapter one. 

Each of us has a Gremlin. She compares it to the angel and devil on your shoulder - he is known as the devil. In fact, we discussed that he IS Satan. Satan knows each of us personally and what makes us tick. He spends all day, every stinking day, talking to us and trying to get us down. He is never going to win the fight against God, so he figures he will just make our mortal existence as awful as possible. Lately I have been letting him win. 

The first step in the process is to listen and recognize your Gremlin talking to you. He is deeply ingrained in your subconscious, tearing you apart piece by piece. Sometimes he doesn't even have to try hard, he can just use a thought to nudge you down a hill. The times he will try hardest is when we are doing God's work; good work. 

So we talked about my Gremlin and how he plays into my self image. The biggest part of my self-esteem issues has to do with the fact that I think I'm fat. There are several other layers rolled up into it, but this is the main one. The others have gotten better with time (thank goodness!!) but this one has stayed. Next week we're going to talk about where we think this came from, but that's a story for another time. 

Therapist: "Tell me the last time you recognized your Gremlin speaking to you about this issue."

Me: "I took a picture with my friend. I don't like taking pictures lately. We took a picture on her birthday and all I could see when I saw the picture was a fat girl."

Therapist: "What could you have done differently? Remember, fighting with your Gremlin is not going to be a good use of your time."

Me: "I could have noticed how happy my friend is?"

Therapist: "Now your Gremlin is taking you out of the picture entirely. He is working hard."

Me: "I could have pin pointed a piece of me that I like and focused on it?"

Therapist: "Now he is minimizing you."

Some issues run deep. Some silence.

Therapist: "Why do you think your Gremlin was working so hard on you at that particular moment?"

Me: Starts crying. "Because I was helping a friend that day and making her feel special on her birthday. I was doing what God wanted me to do, what He put me here for. I was doing God's work."

She smiled at me and told me I was learning so quickly and putting puzzle pieces together faster than most do. She told me it is probably going to get a little harder before it gets better because I am facing my Gremlin head on now and not letting him follow behind me like he has been.  

Bring it on, Gremlin.

Terrifying image - but it's from the book. Notice how deep he runs?