I woke up with every intention of having a good day. My goals were: eat healthy, be happy, read scriptures and a conference talk, pray often and work out after work.
I prayed the night before, set my alarm and dozed off to sleep. When I woke, though, I felt cranky and awful. My head pounded and I felt like I hadn't slept at all. This is how I feel most mornings.
I shuffled around the house, trying to get ready quickly and walked out of the door feeling less than pretty. I logged onto my computer at work and nothing was working. My computer was slow and all the programs that I needed to open weren't opening.
By 10 AM I was frustrated with everything.
By 2 PM I had cried twice. At one point I asked myself, "WHY?" What is the point of all of this? Why do I work? I work for money to pay bills? That just doesn't seem right.
I felt low at that moment... lower than I've felt in a LONG time. I went in a quiet room and tried to pray but it turned into me being frustrated with God for putting all of this on me. Then my stomach started to ache. This usually happens when I'm feeling anxious. By the time it was time to go home it hurt so bad I could barely stand so I couldn't go to the gym.
I came home, tore my clothes off and fell into bed. I fell asleep with Ellie for about an hour and it was the highlight of my day. I love her soft fur and the way she snuggles up close to me.
Brodie texted me to come see his new house and meet him and Jonathan for dinner. It was nice to be around them, they are such good friends. I often forget to spend time with friends when I'm feeling low and I have to force myself. Today I forced myself and it was worth it minus the really bad for me food I had. Oh, and I cried at dinner. I'm a mess.
On the drive home I rolled down all the windows and prayed HARD. I prayed for forgiveness for being so mean and frustrated. I prayed more than anything for the Atonement to heal me and my broken heart. Then I blasted Josh Groban.
I came home, took a bath and ready my "Carry On Warrior" book. That helped. Now I'm snuggled up in bed with Ellie again.
Tomorrow I'll wake up with the same goals in mind and try to make it a better day.
This is my life lately. It's not pretty or fun. I do this every day and most days I lose this battle. But I think the most important thing is every day I get up and I FIGHT. I keep reminding myself that this is just a stepping stone in the journey of life and I will get through this. I've been through this. I've made it before and I can make it again.