"Is everything okay?!?!!?" they ask, worry in their eyes.
I so appreciate the concern, but sometimes I just want to really feel all the feelings, be a grump and shut myself in my house. Heaven forbid I'm not smiling constantly at work, sparkling minute to minute. Can a person really sparkle all day?
It may be the season of my life or it may just be the way I am but lately I've been up and down on a weekly basis. Last week was great! I was feeling grateful, content and happy in all that I did. This week I'm feeling the blues. All I want to do is sit in bed and read. Read my scriptures. Read my Ensign. Read my Kindle. Read. Read. Read. Escape into other worlds and let this world melt away around me.
Every morning I shuffle out of bed groggily, look at myself in the mirror and say quotes that inspire me out loud.
"Try a little harder to be a little better."
"You can do hard things."
Sometimes I genuinely wonder if this path I've chosen is worth it. Would it be easier to just give up, fall into another pattern of life? Yes. It would be. But I know in the end the choices I'm making now will be worth it, that I'll be eternally grateful for them.
You see, it's very lonely to be a single woman in the LDS church. It's even lonelier the older you get. There is a strong emphasis on marriage that is rightly there. There are programs and activities set in place to make me feel like I'm not alone, but I still feel it. I think it's mostly because it's what I want more than anything in the world and I'm not ashamed of that. I've always known it's what I want... it's just trusting the timing of my life and realizing that things will work out the way they're meant to.
Things I'm working on:
- Loving myself first
- Working on my relationship with Heavenly Father