Monday, November 10, 2014

I don't love myself... But I want to.

This weekend I spent time with a friend whom I love and admire. Throughout our evening together, I kept noticing how confident she was in everything she did. I started watching the way she presented herself - her back straight and tall. She has no problem talking to cute boys. She prides herself on her accomplishments, her intelligence and appearance. She is not boastful or rude or condescending. She sees the light in others, but holds with her a strong spirit - one I wish I had myself!

I have a really hard time loving myself. I honestly have a really hard time even looking in the mirror. I've been this way for as long as I can remember and I don't know where it comes from. Most of my issues stem from a dislike of my outward appearance, but I know they run deeper as well. I don't feel talented or especially smart or particularly kind. I don't consider myself a bad person, but I do tend to place more weight on my poor choices than my good choices. I don't take compliments to heart or genuinely feel I'm a pretty or special person. It's so sad.

I know this is a perfect season of my life to work on these thoughts I've always had. I'm going to try to look in the mirror each morning and find something positive (this isn't easy for me). Each night I've been praying for a small glimpse into how the Lord sees me. I know I can never comprehend His love for me, but I want to feel it in bits and pieces and remember how truly divine I am. Sometimes I go to my Bishop just to talk and he reminds me how special I am. He tells me that I have so many talents and I am so important to this earth. I truly want to see it. 

In return, I ask others to stop me when I put myself down or say something negative about myself. And PLEASE, be a good example to me. I tend to get caught in a negative self-view trap when others are down on themselves as well. 

Thanks for being patient and letting me share my thoughts. 


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