There is nothing that frustrates me more than when you are trying to tell someone about a sad, secret place in your heart and they respond with something like this:
"Seriously? You're worried about that when there are kids starving all over the world?"
Or something of that nature. Mind you, I understand putting our issues in a bigger perspective, but I think the only thing an attitude like that can do is belittle that person's very real and very personal battle.
So, my friends, I crave your indulgence as I explain one very real aching of my heart that may seem little, or silly or just plain selfish.
Sometimes I feel very lonely.
It is probably about 95% my own fault, because I am a total homebody and love just being at home, whether it's crafting, reading, blogging, working out or spending time with Ellie.
As I was driving home tonight from my parent's house, I realized that before my birthday outing, I really haven't been with friends in months. I remember I used to go out... I used to spend my weekends at their houses or going out to restaurants... I used to be so much better about going to church activities and meeting new people. Those who I went with before are now all slowly getting married or dissipating from my life and it's very hard for me to go alone.
I couldn't tell you who my "go-to" friend is. (well, I could, and it would be my mom, but you know what I mean). If an emotional crisis were to occur I would probably call one of my friends out of state, because I feel very close to them. But what could they really do? I feel insecure not having someone living near me who loves and cares about me enough to ask me how I'm doing or what's wrong or what's even new...
I sometimes feel like I'm bottling up all of my angst and loneliness inside, only to let it burst from me at very inopportune times.
All I want is a friend to talk to, to spend time with me often and to understand and love me just the way I am.
Have you ever had a time in your life when you felt this way? I hope some of you can relate. Thank you for letting me send my thoughts your way. If nothing else, I feel better having shared this secret place in my heart.
xoxo.
6 comments:
Question: How did you get inside my brain and write a blogpost about my feelings?
Please know that you are definitely not alone in this feeling. I actually cried on the way home from church this very morning because I don't have any friends there and I literally ache to have ONE Christian friend that lives near me. Or even one friend that is not a school friend.
I am also a great homebody, I just don't enjoy 'going out', so I know I'm not helping myself. I am lucky that I live with two people otherwise some days I wouldn't talk to anyone but my mum. Thank goodness for mums :)
Anyway, sorry for writing an essay, I just have a lot to say on this topic because I am in exactly the same place in my life right now- even though I try and hide it.
This is definitely something that happens as you get older. Friends move away, get married, start families...and it's not that they don't care about you, it's just that they have other things in their lives. You're still a part of it, just not as much. I know that if I had a major problem, I have friends I can call who would be there for me in a heartbeat...but try to get them to come home for a weekend? And it's pretty much not going to happen ;). It sucks, but it's something you get used to. You make new friends at work or school, but the friendships usually feel a little more superficial because it's not like old high school friends who grew up with you.
I completely understand where you're coming from :). I've experienced this loneliness and still do sometimes. You just have to put yourself out there more. :)
You are definitely not alone :).
Whit I have been feeling like this since I came home from Disneyland last year. All my old friends left me in the dust. My mom is my go-to friend but even then she's super busy so I can't always talk to her when I want to. But hey guess what? I live close-ish to you ;) You can always come crash at my place! Or vice versa. I've been dying for a friend that I can talk to about my pettiness. Not to obsess over it, but to get it off my chest. It always helps to talk to someone. My husband can only do so much for me as a girlfriend hahahaha ;)
I love you all the time ;)
Thanks for writing such a genuine post. I really love hearing about people and the insights of their heart. =)
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I feel the same way. I moved to a new place about 8 months ago and I still feel totally lost and alone. I have my husband, but that's really about it. We can be friends, ok? :)
A few years ago..i think i was purposely isolating myself from friends and going out! I would just enjoy the solitude if not..you definitely need to just make yourself hang out with some friends and hopefully you feel better. Sometimes too hanging out with friends that are doing activities you enjoy may help too!
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