Thursday, August 12, 2010


What am I doing??

I am wasting my life away with worry, anxiety, frustration, fear and a severe lack of self-confidence. How sad is that? Do you ever wish you could just run away and leave all of your problems behind? It's really not possible. They follow you. Mine feel like a leech: they stick to my skin and suck the life out of me. I feel positively drained by the end of the day. But the worst part is I let it happen. I let these little leeches consume me.

It is silly to stick to something that leaves you feeling listless and unfulfilled. But it is also illogical to leave something without having another something figured out. Know what I mean? I have no definite future plan. I know there are lots of beautiful things I want to do... and I admire that about myself. It's just figuring out which one is good for right now, right here and also figuring out how the heck to do it!

I am a good communicator. I love to interact with others and meet new people. This is something that should come with my career, my passions and my pursuits. But it is not in my life now. I find myself hiding away, wishing those pesky leeches would fall off and sink into the abyss. But they are ever present, ever watchful. They know my weaknesses and they cling for dear life.

Another realization has hit me this week. A relationship will not make these problems go away either. Love with a wonderful person will not. It is up to me to conquer my insecurities, take a leap of faith and find some happiness in my life. Only then can I truly find peace with another.

This is the hardest time of my life. I can honestly say that. Though I feel like my relationship with my Heavenly Father could be better, I do feel some closeness to Him. I am desperately trying to do all I can to better that relationship, because I know only I can. It is up to me to change my thought processes. I have never felt so confused or alone. I don't want to wander through life like I have been the last six months. I want purpose, fulfillment and to do some good in this world.

I don't know why I am so hard on myself. We are all our own worst critic. Abby says I am, except times 3000. This has always been the case. Why do I look in the mirror and see no beauty? Why do I have such a hard time accepting the fact that I have talents? Why do I not love my personality and who I am??

It feels so good to release these emotions right now. But why post these personal thoughts? Because maybe some one out there who will read this is going through a similar crisis. Maybe they will suddenly feel like they're not alone.

"I will not leave you comfortless. I will come to you."

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