Monday, August 3, 2015

The Ups and Downs

I had a really good Friday and Saturday and a really awful Sunday. It's been so long since I've had a real emotional/mental breakdown that maybe I just needed it. I really think my well was dry. I have been refilling it up on my own for so long. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm screaming out to my friends for help and they don't hear me. Please go to church with me. Please text me back. Please come over and give me some love and support. Please listen to me. Please give me your time. 

Then silence. 

The silence hurts. 

Luckily I have a really strong family. The thing is, they're not perfect. It took me about 25 years to realize that my parents weren't perfect human beings, that they make mistakes just like the rest of us. That truth is still difficult for me. I love them so much. They are both really busy with work and their own lives. My sister is about to have a baby. Sometimes I feel lost in the shuffle. I also truly believe that I need more love than most people do and that is taxing on everyone. 

What also hurts is I don't think those closest to me understand what I'm going through. My struggle is just as real as a physical illness. It is something I face every single day and will for every single day for the rest of my life. Then people (even my parents) ask why I am the way I am. This quote helps:

"For twenty years I was lost to food and booze and bad love and drugs. I suffered. My family suffered. I had a relatively magical childhood, which added an extra layer of guilt to my pain and confusion. Glennon – why are you all jacked up when you have no excuse to be all jacked up? My best guess is that I was born with an extra dose of sensitivity to life’s brutality and my own nakedness." - Glennon Doyle Melton
That's ME you guys. I was born with an extra dose of sensitivity. You can ask my mom - I've been sensitive from birth. I'm not sure why quite yet, but God gave me this battle for a reason. My childhood was idyllic, magical, perfect. I wouldn't change a thing. And, yet, I still battle. I wish I could have telepathic powers, touch someone's head with my hand and help them understand ALL of the feelings I'm CONSTANTLY feeling. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode. 
You know what's funny is that the person I pushed away for so long is the one person on Earth who really gets it. She grew up with me. She understands the pain, the emptiness and the struggle. Her and I faced opposition and reacted in different ways. That doesn't make one of us better than the other. I am just now realizing that God put us in the same family for a reason. We strengthen each other. I could not get through what I am going through without her. She is my sister. 
Another quote to help me through the day:
“Wherever you go, there you are. Your emptiness goes with you. Maddening. Things that help: writing, reading, water, walks, forgiving myself every other minute, practicing easy yoga, taking deep breaths, and petting my dogs. These things don't fill me completely, but they remind me that it is not my job to fill myself. It's just my job to notice my emptiness and find graceful ways to live as a broken, unfilled human... 

If there's a silver lining to the emptiness, here it is: the unfillable is what brings people together. I've never made a friend by bragging about my strengths, but I've made countless by sharing my weakness and my emptiness.” - Glennon Doyle Melton

(Can you tell Glennon is my soul sister?)


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