It's been a slow admission for me, but I finally did admit to myself this week that I'm struggling with depression. Again. It just seems unfair because I've already dealt with this before - when I was about 19. I thought that getting older meant things would get easier, but that was silly to think too.
Depression hits you when you're the least prepared, and it usually comes straight out of nowhere. Looking at my life, there is absolutely no reason to think that I have any reason to be depressed. If you saw me on any given day, you probably wouldn't realize that I am. Sometimes the people who seem to have it the most together are the most wounded inside.
All week I've struggled with admitting to myself that I need help and that this is happening because... well, it does just seem unfair! Why am I continually dealing with anxiety and depression? Why is this my burden to bear? I suddenly realized that these challenges will NEVER go away. I simply will become better at coping and dealing with them through my tools and experience.
I also feel very much alone. I've been spending almost every night by myself. When you're sad you don't know how to reach out for help. Honestly, you don't even know you need help most of the time. I tend to shut myself away and spend way too much time thinking about myself.
Instead of continuing to always post about the fluffy and the good, I thought I would be real, open, honest and raw today. This is my life. It's not perfect and it's certainly very messy. I'm starting to realize that messy is beautiful and that all of these struggles not only make me into a stronger person, but will allow me to help others in such a beautiful way.
So today I officially declare that I am thankful for ALL of my trials. Though I do not see the beauty at the end of the road, I know it is there and I trust in my Heavenly Father to hold my hand and see me through.