Wednesday, September 14, 2011

One Year Ago Today

One year ago today I was simply a mess. My life was out of control and I was extremely unhappy. Today I'm going to reminisce on that time through a blog post. Though I know it will give me some pain to think about these memories, it will also push me to keep striving to better this life I lead.

- One year ago today I was in the midst of a three week HCG diet. I was starving and eating 500 calories a day while taking HCG drops. I lost weight easily and quickly. In those three weeks 15 pounds came off and I looked FANTASTIC. However, I was grouchy, mean and full of anxiety during that time. And do you know what happens when you go back to even a healthy diet after depriving your body of essential nutrients? You gain weight back. End of story. Cue depression.

- I had just officially "met" in person a guy I met online. Yep, I was totally online dating and was smitten with this young man. He was so outgoing, outrageous and hilarious. But when we met he broke my heart. He tossed me aside like it was nothing and I felt my heart break slowly and surely. Sometimes I think I'm still recovering from that awful experience and I have to remember to be strong.

- I hated my job. More than anything. The people I worked with were so negative and cruel to me. I had little experience and really did not know what I was doing. I dreaded each and every day coming into work. I started spiraling into a deep depression and secluded myself from everyone I loved.

- It was a few months after I had adopted Ellie this time last year. It was a rash and horrible time for me to do adopt a dog. Financially I was struggling and Ellie was a puppy... misbehaving and wild all of the time. I felt burdened. I couldn't get out of the house because I felt bad leaving her. So, I was trapped.

This time last year I was so sad. :( I hate thinking about it. I feel like I've blocked this time from my memory, but it does feel good to let it all out. Sometimes I let things bottle up inside and so I'm proud that I'm able to share these secret struggles with you.

So, where am I today and how did I escape from this tunnel of sadness?

I sought help. I reached out to church leaders and even a therapist to help me through it. I saw her almost every week for months and months and she helped me to see that I was an incredible person and that I could make it through.

I got a new and amazing job full of positive people. I leave work every day feeling fulfilled.

I read. Yep, I think that all of life's problems can be solved by reading books. I can't begin to tell you how many books I read and how much they helped me see I was not alone.

Lastly, I blogged. If you go back a year ago my posts are often sad, but you can see the hope in my words. I knew that I could make it through. And I did :) Now I'm helping others and dreaming big.

Where were you one year ago today?



Laura Elizabeth said...

I think that even though this post must have been hard to write, hard to think about, being able to see that you are no longer that person must be a good thing. You can look back on all that and go "wow, I am stronger than that and I *became* stronger because of it". Yay for you!!!

This time last year, I was stuck in a job that I hated. I had absolutely no direction whatsoever and I was really sad about how my life was turning out. Thinking about it, I think my mum had just had her triple bypass this time last year!! She's still not 100% now but she's so much better. I managed to switch things around for myself too and get some hope going in my own life.

Also, thank you for your sweet comment!

Laura Elizabeth said...

Haha, sorry for the essay! I always seem to get wordy when replying to your posts :)

ana said...

i was so so so sad TOO! just one year ago. i moved to another country (back to my own). i also was heartbroken. then i started online dating.

love ur blog

youve inspired me to write one of these.

xx ana

Jennifer said...

Hi - I'm new to your blog. I was perusing today and your blog on country music made me laugh. I LOVE country music. (o;

I loved what you wrote here in this post especially. I sometimes have to remind myself where I was a year or two or even five years ago to remind myself that I've changed, I'm not the same, my life is different and better and it keeps changing. I have to remind myself of that on the days that feel yucky or when I'm feeling like I haven't moved far.

I'm glad you were able to reach out to others and change some of the things around you. Seeking help and healing is hard and oh so necessary. It's awesome to look back and see where we've grown. (o: So yay for you!