Friday, March 3, 2017

I'll be Happy One Day...

The past few months or so have just been... off. I feel like I've consistently been in this state of: "I'll be happier when I lose 20 pounds" or "I'll just be happy one day when I'm married and have my babies." And so I've been sitting at home, hiding from the world (because when you hide you can't get hurt), waiting for a miracle to happen in my life (AKA Prince Charming will suddenly waltz through my door and I'll miraculously be skinny). But you know what the thing is? God is a miracle worker, but he can't give you a miracle if you don't show up. For the past few months I haven't been showing up for my life. I go to church but I either leave early or sneak out right after the three-hour block. I don't go to church activities anymore or do a good job of fulfilling my calling. I keep telling myself "NEXT Monday I'll go to the gym." Part of it is I'm scared to run into anyone looking how I look. And today I realized the real reason is something deeper. I don't show up because I'm TERRIFIED of meeting the right man or being healthy/fit. I'm terrified because I don't feel like I deserve either of those things.

I know it's crazy. I can look at a room full of women and see their beauty, their potential, their strengths and weaknesses and I draw from their stories. But I look in the mirror and I see nothing of value. It's hard for me to admit that, but it's been that way for a long time now. It's tough to break cycles of abuse (especially when you are the one abusing yourself emotionally). 

Another big piece missing of my life equation is feeling joy and contentment NOW, just the way I look, just the way I am. My "wants" are a fit body and a man who loves me. But my "joy" right now is my family, my nephew, long walks outside, reading good books, snuggling with Ellie, watching good movies, serving others. I can feel joy right now and not wait for anything else to change or happen in my life to feel those moments. 

People always say "fake it till you make it." I don't like that. I plan on using "faith it till you make it." It's going to be so hard... really hard... but I need to start showing up for life. I can't sit in my apartment and wait for miracles to happen without putting in the work myself. I deserve to be happy, make connections and serve others with my light. I'm going to start showing up for activities where I don't know anyone. I'm going to pray for an opportunity to talk to someone sad or lonely. I'm going to go to the gym and start slow because every effort is a good effort. I'm going to jog on that damn treadmill until my knees hurt knowing I'm taking care of God's greatest gift to me and the feelings of health and confidence will come naturally, as will the man who I'm meant to be with. God NEEDS me, just like He needs you. So let's start showing up.

P.S. All of these "ah-ha" moments were brought to me via regular therapy. I go 2 - 3 times a month. I go to heal. I go to grow. I'm proud of myself for consistently showing up there. #bereal #beyou 

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