Thoughts on Love

There was a time when I thought I knew all I needed to know about love. I was so, so, unbelievably wrong.

I was 19 and it was a cool, dark night. We were sitting on the steps outside of the Institute building at ASU and there was no one around but the two of us. He turned to me, leaned in close and said, "Whitney... I love you."

I felt breath and speech escape me, but I knew how I was supposed to respond. "I love you too," I whispered back and we didn't kiss or hug, just stared at each other with a strange, serious gaze. We walked back to my apartment holding hands in silence, feeling nothing but closeness to one another. It hit me then the seriousness of this relationship and I was scared.

That was the only time I ever told a boy I loved him. Like loved him, loved him. And I'm so sorry to say that I didn't mean it. I was caught up in a whirlwind of emotions. He was leaving on his mission. I was about to go to Florida for the first time. And I was clinging to a silly, high school fantasy that I didn't want to let go.

That boy was also my first kiss. When he got back from his mission I thought maybe something could happen but it didn't. I realized I wasn't even physically attracted to him. Our personalities didn't mesh well anymore and I let go. I'm so glad I did.

I remember in high school the agony of waiting for a text from this boy. I would stare at my phone, waiting for that silly red light to blink with my heart beating and my palms sweating. He told me he wanted to be my forever. He talked about me becoming his wife.

I've never, ever even written this down. I've always been scared of being judged or criticized, because I know how silly I sound and how ridiculous that romance was. But that boy was my first for a lot of silly things, and I really think back on that time with nothing but fondness.

My life is confusing. Dating is confusing. I feel like my heart is torn into pieces more times than I can count.

However, I persevere. I refuse to be told I won't find my Happily Ever After, my fairy tale ending. Though discouragement leaves me bruised, I find myself shaking off the dust and building up hope again.

I don't know who I will marry. I don't know when it will happen or how it will happen. I don't know if I'll fall head over heels in love within a month or whether it will take the building of a friendship, time and patience. But I know it will happen. It's what I ache for more than anything in this whole entire world. I'm ready for you, wherever you are. I hope you're ready for me too.

xoxo.