Saturday, November 6, 2010

Honest Thoughts

I don't really know where this intense hatred of my body came from. I don't think I can pinpoint it to one day, one thought, one media bombardment or one silly remark from another. It must be a collaboration of all the negative outside forces us girls face today along with other similar obstacles. Of course, I have my good and my bad days. My moods fluctuate greatly (I apologize everyone), so I can be feeling great one minute and then devastated the next. I remember at 12 years old starting to compare myself to the other girls. I didn't wear make up or cute clothes. My hair was straight, boring and uncolored. I remember thinking even then that I was fat. While pictures definitely prove otherwise, I've felt worse and worse over the years. I'd say I hit a low point from 17-20ish and now I'm doing a lot better... but I still struggle day to day with negativity about my body. I feel so much better when I'm dieting and exercising, but sometimes life gets in the way of those healthy habits (welcome to my world). I'm glad I'm getting back on track, but I also think that this is something rooted deep within me, and that needs to be dealt with.

I have never been this heavy before, and so I feel extremely unattractive. I miss my muscular body and confident aura I had a few years ago. I am not skinny; nor do I think I ever will be. I don't have a tiny, petite body that every yearns for. I'm not built like that, and I need to learn to love myself.

You shouldn't place this much emphasis on outward appearance, but I find myself doing it regardless of what everyone tells me.

It's not fun feeling sad!

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