Sunday, July 4, 2010

Basket Case

I seriously get so stressed about future life decisions sometimes that I can't breathe. This has been me the past two weeks. Remember the post about something missing from my life?? I feel soo strongly that there is something perfect and spectacular out there for me and that all I have to do is take a leap of faith and reach for it.

So I've been praying about the decision to serve a full-time mission. Please... some one... anyone... help me with advice, counsel or any insight you may have! I feel so much confusion and doubt. I can't visualize myself in the actual mission field. But I know it would be extraordinarily good for me. I would grow spiritually, mentally and maybe even conquer these self-esteem issues I seem to drag around. But why have I not received an answer? Am I just listening to the insidious promptings of the adversary? Or am I supposed to make this decision on my own? Will I regret it for the rest of my life if I don't go? How will my life turn out differently if I do or don't go?

But you know what I really, really want to do? Something crazy. Move to Anaheim, work for Disney and get my Master's in Screenwriting from USC. For a usual rational thinker, this idea seems preposterous.

I'm so scared of disappointing my parents. But I don't want to serve a mission just because they want me to. But I know it's a good desire for them to want me to go. They just want what's best for me.

My entire life I've lived in the future. What will I study in college? What kind of job will I get? When will I get married? Why can't I find the will to live in the moment? To peacefully, calmly walk through this life. What a myriad of emotions. Sometimes I don't even know how to express myself, or what I'm really feeling.

My life is not one perfect, laid out path anymore. It's uncertain, bumpy and full of a silly girl making silly mistakes. I'm learning more and more about myself and what I want out of life. Mostly I want to be everything I can be and make my Heavenly Father proud.

I don't know what to do... the anxiety is killing me.

2 comments:

Caley and Jason said...

The thought is bouncing around your head for a reason. I can't think of any reasons serving a mission wouldn't be a positive experience in your life. All those other things can wait if you do choose to serve- after all 18months is really not that long

:)

And who knows- you could make the decision to go, and a few weeks later meet the man you will marry and in a year have your first beautiful little baby.

K+B said...

Well put, Caley. Heavenly Father always has something unexpected up his sleeve but sticking to what you know is right and listening for the spirit to prompt you and guide you will benefit you no matter what.

Keep listening to those promptings and you'll be where you need to be!