So I've been praying about the decision to serve a full-time mission. Please... some one... anyone... help me with advice, counsel or any insight you may have! I feel so much confusion and doubt. I can't visualize myself in the actual mission field. But I know it would be extraordinarily good for me. I would grow spiritually, mentally and maybe even conquer these self-esteem issues I seem to drag around. But why have I not received an answer? Am I just listening to the insidious promptings of the adversary? Or am I supposed to make this decision on my own? Will I regret it for the rest of my life if I don't go? How will my life turn out differently if I do or don't go?
But you know what I really, really want to do? Something crazy. Move to Anaheim, work for Disney and get my Master's in Screenwriting from USC. For a usual rational thinker, this idea seems preposterous.
I'm so scared of disappointing my parents. But I don't want to serve a mission just because they want me to. But I know it's a good desire for them to want me to go. They just want what's best for me.
My entire life I've lived in the future. What will I study in college? What kind of job will I get? When will I get married? Why can't I find the will to live in the moment? To peacefully, calmly walk through this life. What a myriad of emotions. Sometimes I don't even know how to express myself, or what I'm really feeling.
My life is not one perfect, laid out path anymore. It's uncertain, bumpy and full of a silly girl making silly mistakes. I'm learning more and more about myself and what I want out of life. Mostly I want to be everything I can be and make my Heavenly Father proud.
I don't know what to do... the anxiety is killing me.